I wish I could recall a singular moment that planted in me the desire to be both fiercely protective of and deeply intentional about this single season I’ve affectionately declared my “Table for One Era”. But, I don’t think there is one. As I write, several moments suggest themselves in my mind – leaving a man, releasing friends, relocation, job loss. All fired off like back to back rockets sending me into the most crescendoed sector of my healing journey thus far.
Shortly after returning from my first solo trip, someone I love said to me, “I like that you’re getting things out of your system now before you meet your person”. Initially, I was puzzled. Then slightly infuriated by the insinuation that I was merely passing time. As if the joy I’d found in solo adventures and carving out space for my own developing fulfillment would cease and dissolve into some silly little memory once I met someone worth shifting my focus to.
I paused, meditating on my words carefully as I fanned the internal flames of my fire sign temper. Then I let him know…
This mission has never been about occupying an empty space until another body comes along to fill it for me. Somewhere along this journey, I realized that many of the women I admire, I do so because they (at least seem to) lead genuinely fulfilling lives. More importantly, they themselves are the reliant source of that fulfillment. Their inner lives are deep and appropriately reflective. They have outlets, and hobbies, and careers they love, ideas they’re passionate about. Friends they pour into that draw far outside the lines of any romantic relationship. Even in the midst of uncertainty, they’re sure of themselves. There is an awareness not only of who they are, but whose they are. They’ve taken time to cultivate a relationship with themselves that is non-negotiable. Many of them solid partners and devoted mothers, yes. But, they prioritize themselves. The ability to exist in a way so righteously selfish while remaining kind and willingly of service has become its own kind of beauty to me.
Frequently enough, I’ve been asked about my own confidence. Where it comes from, how I harness it. That it oozes from my aura like lava. Fortunately, it is not a facade. I am confident. I’ve never felt more whole and accepting of myself than I have in this season of my life. However, the messy, complicated truth is that former versions of myself have felt just as worthy as they have worthless. Sometimes concurrently.
I understand now that confidence has little to do with being sure of your skills at all times. It’s less about being able to command the attention of rooms and take up all the space people tell you you’re worthy of. You can fake that. Hell, sometimes you have to. What I’ve grown to learn is that confidence is about trust — trusting yourself, and your ability to summon what you need from yourself when you need it. Your commitment to holding your own hand through difficult seasons, and the security of knowing you will be there not if, but when, you stumble. Loving on yourself with both grace and accountability. It is the deep understanding that you will not abandon yourself.
So, again, this space I continue to cultivate has never been about void-filling. Nor, keeping busy till my knight in shining armor comes along. It’s about making my life full. Being sure that the standard set for my life is one decided by me. I refuse to depend on the whims of a man to determine the achievable baseline for my life. And, that goes far beyond financial bearing and stability. Single or paired, I want to be the person who decides what joy feels like for me – and pleasure. And, peace. I’ve already made the mistake of expecting someone else to make me happy. Those experiences taught me that only I am truly capable of filling my own cup. And, I can make it as full as I’d like it to be. It does not have to stop at the brim. Overflow is encouraged. From there, some incredibly lucky man will have the privilege to come in and add to it.
I heard Anne Hathaway speak about the secret to her 15 year long marriage with her husband: “Neither of us expect the other person to complete us. On our own we are whole, together we are more.”
